Grieving Over My Last Baby

Lucy

My Faithful Companion who I miss but will never forget

Passed from this life on January 28, 2015 at 15 years old

Oh how I miss this baby. I wish there was some way to still have her where I could love her and protect her. I didn't do a very good job of protecting her when she was with me or she would still be here. I asked God to give her back to me, but I guess God doesn't do something like that. I believe that God can do that if it was his will. If God was truly my Heavenly Father as the bible says, it would seem like he would fulfill his child's request. Why not? I'm so sorry that I let my baby go, even though she was very sick, I would prefer to even take care of her in her sickness. Is this being selfish? It might be, but I still would like to have her back. I loved her then and love her now. I talk to her every day as though she was still with me. Is this crazy? It might be but that's how grief works in a person who loses someone they love. I want her back! Please God, somehow give her back to me.

I can't get my Lucy Baby off my mind. I keep looking for her everywhere. I go thru the living room expecting to see her laying on my chair. I expect to see her walking through the door to sit with me. I miss taking her out in the back yard and because she is not here, I have no reason to go out the back door, oh God do I miss that baby. My heart is breaking because I think about her all the time. I miss her so much and feel so alone because she is not with me all the time like she always was. I want my baby to be back here with me. Please God give her back to me. I need her more than I ever thought I would. I feel so lost and don't know what to do without her following me around through the house. I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped from me. Please give her back to me. You can do it, I know you can.

When we first got Lucy, I didn't want another dog, she was for my wife because she wanted a dog of her own and specifically wanted a Yorkie. Because of circumstances Lucy took to me because I did everything for her. She would follow me around the house and found everything that I did was interesting to her. For a long time Lucy would sleep with me in my bed, but she got to a point that she couldn't jump up in the bed anymore. Lucy was my third dog that I had my life consumed with. The first one was MiMi, a white poodle. Mimi lived for 17 years before she started having strokes real bad and was suffering real bad when we had to let her go. Then their was Baby who was a Shih Tzu. Baby had a lot of good years with us before she developed a number of things that were wrong with her. She developed arthritis so bad that she couldn't get up off the floor. Her eyesight got real bad as did her hearing. Then there was Lucy. I guess I developed more love for that little girl more than I had for all the rest of them.

Lucy became very sick. For a long time she must have had internal problems that caused her to emit an odor from her that was very sickening. The Vet said it was her teeth and gums causing the trouble. So I agreed to some dental work that cost $1000 and most of her front teeth were removed. Well I regretted that because it made her life miserable not being able to chew properly and to top it off, it didn't solve her problem about the odor. Then Lucy developed arthritis that was crippling her and her leg joints became crooked. Then she developed a tumor on her right flank that kept getting larger. But through all of this she still exhibited love and wanted nothing but love back.

Lucy wanted someone to love her, take care of her and protect her until she died normally, but I didn't let that happen and will regret that for the rest of my life. I will never forgive myself for not continuing to take care of her until she would die normally. She didn't want to die, all she wanted was our love and care that she deserved to get.

So many people use the term of putting their pet to sleep or putting them down, but those are just words they use to justify having their pet killed. I swore that I would never do that to Lucy, but circumstances caused me to do just that and I wish it would not have happened.

I loved that baby more than anyone can ever know. I hate myself for giving in to the pressure I felt to put her out of her suffering and now I am suffering for doing it.

I want Lucy back and will continue to plead with God to give her back to me as long as I have breathe to do it.

I had decided that it was necessary to take Lucy to the Vet. I wanted to give her everything she liked to make her feel good and feel loved. I began by taking her on a walk which she loved to do. After we returned I gave Lucy her favorite treat and sat down in the chair with her so I could hold her close to me. As I petted her and kissed her, she began to lick my hand as she always did. I felt real bad about that because she was expressing her love for me and was licking the hand of the person who was going to end her life. As I held her and talked to her I realized the tenseness in her body which I believe was tight and rigid because of the pain she was bearing.

When I was in the Vet's office , they gave her a sedative by way of a shot in her hind quarter which caused her extreme pain and she whelped and raised her little leg in pain. As she laid on my lap I could feel her little body relaxing from the tightness and tenseness that I had felt before at home and knew that she was relaxing from the joint pain she was suffering from. Then when she became completely relaxed, I saw her little tongue protruding from her mouth and just curling up in a circle and I almost cried right there because I knew the end of my baby was getting close. Why didn't I stop it right there when I could. Oh God I only wish I had of and took my baby back home. But I still thought this was for the best. I really wonder know who it was the best for. Certainly I don't really believe it was the best for anyone, especially Lucy.

How sad this was. I want her back so I can make it up to her.

My wife and I visited a breeder to look at the Yorkies she had for sale one day. The breeder brought out several little Yorkie puppies run around playing and I suggested to my wife that she choose a little fairly quiet one who wasn't engaged in the rowdy play. But she wouldn't have that and she chose the most active one who was chasing the other puppies around. She asked the breeder if they had named this certain one and they said her name was "killer". Oh my, I thought we were in for it then, so when we got her home she was given the name of Lucy.

Lucy and our other dog Baby eventually got along very well. They would sleep together in the same bed and groom each other. After the older dog Baby died, Lucy was very lonely because she didn't know where Baby went. All she knew was that Baby left the house with me and never returned.

On one of Lucy's walks after that she met two other smaller dogs that had moved in just 2 houses from us and they became her pals. She would stand outside of their house and look for them to come out every time we took a walk. When Lucy would go out in our backyard, she would look over at the house where these 2 dogs lived and bark for them to come out in their backyard and they would. They would talk back and forth to each other almost every day.

Then one day these 2 friends of her's moved away and she became very disappointed because she didn't see them in their yard. For over a year Lucy would continue to go out and bark for them to come out, but they didn't, although that didn't stop her from looking for them. So Lucy was alone again and I'm sure very sad that her friends were not there anymore.

I remember on that fateful day when I took her to the Vet and parked the fearful look she had on her face. I had never seen such a scared look on Lucy's face and wondered if she thought that would be her last day in this life. That frightened look on her face should have been all I needed to take her back home, but I didn't.

I saw all the signs that what I was doing was not right. Here was a baby that I loved dearly and here I was forcing her to face something that was very frightening to her and my heart was breaking apart because I was about to lose her.

What else can I say except I loved her very much and I would give anything to still have her. She depended on me to protect her and I didn't. My poor little Baby is gone and I hate it.

When a precious pet that you have, that you have cared for, protected and loved all their life is sick in any way, I can't believe they want you to put them to death. All they want is for you to continue to love them and continue to make their life as happy as you can. Whoever started the idea to alleviate their pain by putting them to death must have been sick in the head. A little love will alleviate a lot of pain. You shouldn't get the mindset that you are doing something good for them by having them put to death. Death, even for a precious pet comes soon enough for their short lives. Use whatever time that you have with them to love them, hold them close to you, give them a little enjoyment and a lot of care, that's all they want. Isn't that what we all would like if we were in pain? Just a continuation of our love and not death that we think is doing something good for them.

I wish that Lucy was still here so I could continue my love for her and do whatever I can for her to be as comfortable as possible in her infirmities as possible.

Lord, I miss my Lucy Baby so very much. I think about her all the time. I wish she was still with me.

I always look out the front door to see if she was coming down the street, that you had sent her back to me. I sit in my chair, looking out in the back yard hoping to see her standing outside of the fence waiting for me to come and get her.

Sometimes I picture in my head that when I leave this life and enter into the next one, I see a little Yorkie running towards me and saying Daddy, Daddy I've been looking for you everywhere. She would say: take me back home daddy, you were there when I went to sleep, but when I woke up you were gone. Please daddy, take me back home. Every time I think of that, tears just flow from my eyes.

I miss Lucy and still love her so much. Please Lord, send her back to me, I need her to love her and take care of her so much.

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